If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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