I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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