I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
