4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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