none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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