You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
