so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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