i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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