$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
