I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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