Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
