Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
