Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
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