I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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