god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
