the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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