and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I just gargled with NyQuil
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
