im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
