is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize
