Four minutes until I can fart!
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
i need some magic done to my vagina
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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