I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
