Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
