I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
