I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
