There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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