you didnt know i had herpes?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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