I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
i drank out of a bidet.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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