im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
