its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
