I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
