i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
