After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
