So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
