WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
