The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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