I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
