Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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