she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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