I think I won the penis lottery.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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