I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
