fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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