The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
