A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
