mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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