I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
