Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize