This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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