genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
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