Already got asked if we're dating
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
