you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Ketchup is God's man juice
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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