You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
