Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize