I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
