He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
