My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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