I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
