who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
my phone needs a breathalizer
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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