I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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